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That is a good question. Prepare for a ramble. Also, possible spoilers for Twin Peaks and Fables. Ye be warned.

First, let's assume that Sherlock Holmes is unable to help you at the moment. If you need a fictional detective and you don't rush for Holmes you're not even trying to be helped. But, if he's busy there are plenty of good fictional detectives you can choose from.

The next famous detective Hercule Poirot is a fine choice. He's a brilliant and pleasant fellow who values matters of the mind above all things. Sometimes, though, investigations can get a little physical. Poirot is not the toughest guy around, and those little gray cells will be useless if they're splattered on the pavement. There's always Jane Marple, Agatha Christie's other famous detective. She's an amusing lady and competant detective. I think she'd find that my hometown of Dundalk is rather much like her English village, but with less money and a tiny bit more urban. Again, she's an old lady and might break a hip, but I expect few people would ever get physical with her anyway. I imagine people would tend to disregard her, and that would turn out to be her biggest boon. She's kind of a proto-Jessica Fletcher, who, by the way, is also an excellent option.

Then you have more modern detectives. Gil Grissom, Horatio Caine, and all the CSI guys, but they're only good if you're dead. There's one modern detective who has a very special place in my heart. That's Special Agent Detective Dale Cooper. The guy's brilliant, and projects some quantum weirdness field that I can totally get behind. He's the only guy who uses a dream about Tibet as a method. There's only one problem. Dale only ever fails. He comes close. Always comes close, but never succeeds. He might have succeeded if Twin Peaks had gone on longer, but I like the way the show ended so I'm just going to say he failed. Frank Drebin also projects a slightly different quantum weirdness field. He would solve the case by just kind of stumbling onto it. Hey, whatever works. I'm sure if I'm ever caught up in a plot to shoot the Queen of England at a baseball game he'll come in handy.

There are also a few less common detectives I'd consider. The first being Loki. Yes, that Loki. There's an anime where he comes down to earth and acts as a detective. It's pretty entertaining, and he proves himself as a good detective. However, this is also the same guy who screwed over Baldur for not showing some courage and self-sufficience, so I doubt he'd help me out if I asked. And speaking of unintuitive detective choices there's always The Big Bad Wolf. In the Fables comics, he turns out to be freaking brilliant. He figures the whole thing out immediately, then still goes through the motions of doing the rest of the necessary detective work just because he feels like he maybe should? I don't know that I'd appreciate being jerked around like that. If you know then go for it, man. Don't make people trash and apartment and cover it in blood just because it's funny.

In short, I think my choices are down to Miss Marple and the Big Bad Wolf. I could deal with either of them, really, and know they'd get the job done. Though, I think Miss Marple has better tea, so I'd probably go with her.


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