Better Living Through Black Magic

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I'm starting an advice column. But not as me. You see, I'm boring. I can't fix your problems because I've got too many of my own. I need to make a character for this kind of thing. And that character needs to be someone capable, and arrogant enough to think he's got all the answers. More than arrogant, he needs to be an asshole. No, more than an asshole. He needs to be evil.

His name is Liam Whateley. He is a dark magician with only evil in his heart. Evil, and possibly good advice that he will provide out of the badness of his heart so that he may corrupt you and bring back the demon he has sworn to ressurect. He is now accepting questions for a column I like to call "Better Living Through Black Magic". Some of you may be familiar with him. Well, he's back. True evil always comes back.

Leave your questions in the comments of this post, and he will reply sometime next week.

Comments

[gogoicarus.livejournal.com]

oh man now this i have to do.

dear mr whateley,

i am at the moment in the unfortuante situation where despite repeated claims that friendship would be okay, someone has decided that they do not want to even be my friend and just want to date me. my rejection of course threatens the friendship and their reaction to it moreso. yet i am stuck with them in my apartment until next week.

they do not act like much of a friend or an interested relationship party, having no real opinions and no conversational skills and seeming only to be interested in staring at and attempting to touch me.

short of murder, which i suspect would also put a damper on a friendship i would like to keep, what should i do?
-the land of the rising drama

[roflcopter-down.livejournal.com]

Dear The Land of the Rising Drama,

Which is your name? Gogoicarus or The Land of the Rising Drama? I will never understand you kids. I normally would have ignored this question until later, however my servant requested that I take care of this matter quickly as you have to deal with this person until next week.

I've been in your situation plenty of times before. Often there has been a woman who thought they could change me. I was not so much a love interest as a project, and your pursuer probably feels the same way. Except this project gets them laid. Ultimately, they want to change you in some way, and I say this to you. Never change. At least not consciously. You're going to eventually, but the change needs to come naturally, when you say it does. They probably don't care about that, though. This person likely came to you because you're the latest in a string of many they have tried to bed, but because they have no real opinions or conversational skills, and seem to be fond of creepy staring and unwanted touching, nobody would. They're so desperate that they traveled to you based on the slightest unlikely hope that they could get into your pants. That's what this is all about. I've watched all of you meatsacks long enough to know that. Every man wants to infect every woman with his own vile filth, and every woman longs to be infected. This creates more of you hopeless fools, who are nothing more than the larval stage for zombies that I raise and control for the great purpose I have been charged with. And those who have no desire for infection are merely lapping up the last few drops of enjoyment before the world comes crashing down to a spectacular end. Woo. Tangent.

Sex is the name of this game, and one you seem to not want to play. Good for you. Seriously. Now comes the problem of dealing with this person. Why have you ruled out murder? This is always an acceptable option, yet people always seem to reject it. Fortunately, there is a magical solution where you can both murder them and have them as your friend afterward. Make them a zombie. Zombie powder is amazingly simple to make, and you can have this person as a friend long after the flesh has decmoposed from their bones and are nothing but a walking skeleton. Let's do and experiment here. Go to your kitchen and get these things:

Ajax cleaner, or the offbrand equivalent.
Sleep from a child's eye.
Teeth from a Gug.
A pinch of sand from a beach where a battle was fought. My favorite is sand from Anzio, Italy, but you can use anything you want.
Oregano.

Mix all of this up, and make sure you grind the Gug teeth to a fine powder. As you mix, chant the words "Ela frspthl euao gradlm mra", and make sure you pronounce them correctly. If you pronounce it wrong, I'm afraid you won't like the results.

Give this powder to you "friend" while they sleep. Make sure they inhale it through their nose. They will begin to twitch, convulse, possibly vomit blood, and die. Once this is over, they will rise and ask to do your bidding. If you did it wrong, they will rise and ask you useless trivia questions.

I find this better than having real friends. You never, ever get into arguments. There is never any drama, and none of them ever try to touch you inappropriately. If you feel lonely, just remember the words of Jean Paul Sartre. "Anyone who feels lonely when they are alone is in poor company."

- Liam Whateley